Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage? Maybe you push people away when they get too close, or you create conflict in your relationships out of fear of losing someone. Perhaps you blame others for your problems, all while knowing deep down that you’re the one standing in your own way.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Self-sabotage is something many of us struggle with, often without even realizing it. But here’s the truth: self-sabotage isn’t about intentionally messing things up. It’s your mind’s misguided attempt to keep you safe—safe in what’s familiar, even if what’s familiar isn’t serving you.
Today, we’re exploring the roots of self-sabotage, how it shows up in love and life, and—most importantly—how to break free from these patterns so you can create relationships rooted in understanding, growth, and genuine connection.
The Root of Self-Sabotage: Your Mind’s Misguided Protector
Self-sabotage isn’t about intentionally getting in your own way. It’s your mind’s attempt to protect you from uncertainty, failure, and potential hurt. It whispers cautionary tales, convincing you that failure is worse than not trying at all. It tells you that the devil you know is safer than the one you don’t.
But here’s the problem: this “protection” often keeps you stuck. It blocks you from taking the actions you truly want to take, whether that’s pursuing a dream, deepening a relationship, or simply showing up as your authentic self.
To break free from self-sabotage, you need to recognize these patterns for what they are: fear in disguise. Gently remind yourself:
- I am safe to pursue my dreams.
- I am worthy of success, regardless of the outcome.
- I can do hard things.
- Growth is uncomfortable, and that’s okay because I can handle it.
How Self-Sabotage Shows Up in Relationships
In relationships, self-sabotage might look like:
- Pushing a partner away before they can get too close, fearing that intimacy will lead to vulnerability and hurt
- Creating conflict out of fear of losing someone, even though it doesn’t make logical sense
- Blaming your partner for problems instead of looking inward at your own triggers and patterns
Overcoming this means leaning into trust and allowing yourself to believe in the safety of connection. It means taking a hard look at your own stuff—your triggers, beliefs, mindsets, and habits—to see where fear is driving your actions.
Blame, for example, is a distraction. It keeps your attention focused on external scapegoats rather than the internal issues you can actually change. Every time you place blame, you give away a piece of your power. Reclaiming that power starts with turning the spotlight inward and asking yourself: What role did I play in this?
This isn’t about self-blame; it’s about self-awareness and growth. It’s about taking radical responsibility for the one thing you can change: yourself.
Rewriting Your Love Story: Healing Past Traumas
Past traumas can dictate how you show up in relationships, often in ways you don’t consciously realize. These traumas aren’t just memories—they’re experiences, emotions, and identities imprinted on your psyche. They shape your expectations, behaviours, and reactions in the present.
For example, reacting from past hurts can turn a mildly stressful moment into a replay of past pain, blurring the lines between then and now. Finding freedom begins with acknowledging these past hurts, understanding their origins, and learning new, healthier ways to respond.
This journey isn’t just about healing; it’s about transforming your trauma into wisdom. It’s about giving yourself the compassion and patience you needed back then, as a small child who likely felt helpless or alone.
Building Your Inner Fortress: Creating Safety Within
Many of us carry a sense of “not safe” in our bodies, even when there’s no immediate threat. This feeling often stems from past experiences where we didn’t feel safe or supported. The problem? Waiting for someone else to fulfill your needs is like waiting for a train at an abandoned station. The power to fulfill your needs lies within you.
Creating your own safety is about building a fortress of well-being. It’s about recognizing that you are the architect of your own peace, and you can create it through boundaries, self-care, and positive self-talk. This fortress protects you from the most damaging storms—the ones that happen within.
When you build this sense of safety within yourself, you can engage in relationships without fear of losing your identity or compromising your well-being. You’ll know that you’re whole on your own, and your partner complements rather than completes you.
Take One Small Step Toward Self-Reliance
Ready to start breaking free from self-sabotage? Here’s a simple exercise to help you build self-reliance and create your own safety:
- Acknowledge one thing you need. What do you really, really want? Figure out what you need for your well-being.
- Devise a plan to fulfill it on your own. What action can you take to meet this need? This is your blueprint for self-reliance.
- Put your plan into action. Observe how it feels to take control of your own safety and well-being.
For example:
- If you long for more love or physical touch, look into your own eyes in the mirror and say, I love you.Give yourself a hug or a gentle foot rub.
- If you need more rest, give yourself permission to leave an unnecessary task for another day—without shaming yourself.
This exercise might feel uncomfortable at first, but that discomfort is growth in disguise. Lean into it. The more you practice, the more confident and empowered you’ll feel.
Your Journey Back to Yourself
Overcoming self-sabotage is ultimately a journey back to yourself. It’s about finding the courage to face your fears, embrace your worth, and open your heart to the possibility of love that nurtures, supports, and celebrates you for who you truly are.
If this post resonated with you, I’d love for you to drop a comment and follow for more insights and inspiration on living, loving, and growing authentically. And if you want to dive deeper into this topic, check out the full podcast episode, How To Overcome Self-Sabotage in Love & Life: A Step-By-Step Guide for Beginners, for even more tools and strategies to help you break free from these patterns.
Remember, every step forward is a step toward the life and relationships you’ve always dreamed of—and the ones you absolutely deserve.
I love you! Now let’s go do some epic shit, shall we?
Christy xo
PS. Don’t forget to subscribe to Create Your Happy on your favourite podcast player, and grab your copy of my book Love, Unstuck! It’s filled with tools and strategies to help you transform your relationships from the inside out.
Tune into the full episode here:
Additional Resources
Creating Love – A Sweary AF Meditation: Grab this free 5 minute quickie meditation designed to help you to cultivate love with a side of sass.
Unstuck for Women: Ready to get unstuck from patterns and habits that are preventing you from living your best life? Discover the power of The Spiral Stopper Method to stop overthinking and overcome your overwhelm. Grab your copy now!
Unstuck for Women Daily Self Discovery Journal: Dive into self discovery to build unshakeable confidence and self love that radiates into your relationships. Order your companion journal now.
Love Reimagined Course: Lean into creating your version of relationship that transcends the ordinary with ‘Love Reimagined.’ Discover how you can write a new chapter in your personal love story. Register for this transformative program here.
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Listen/ Watch
S3E16 | How To Overcome Self-Sabotage in Love & Life: A Step-By-Step Guide for Beginners
