How many times have you heard someone say, I can change him or She’ll change for me? This myth—that you can change your partner—is deeply ingrained in our culture, but it’s one of the most damaging beliefs we carry into relationships. The truth is, you can’t change anyone but yourself. Trying to do so not only sets you up for disappointment but also erodes the foundation of your relationship.
In this post, we’ll explore why the belief that you can change your partner is a dead-end, how acceptance and self-growth are the keys to healthier relationships, and what to do when your partner isn’t willing to change. If you’d like to dive deeper into this topic, check out the full podcast episode, The Change Mirage: Why Trying to Transform Your Partner Is a Dead-End.
The Myth of Changing Your Partner
Society often tells us to contort ourselves to fit into certain molds, and this creates unrealistic expectations in relationships. We’re led to believe that if someone is the one, they’ll be willing to change for us—and if they’re not, there must be something wrong with either them or us. But here’s the truth: sometimes it’s just not a fit, and that’s okay.
Believing you can change your partner is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole—it doesn’t work. In my own experience, I’ve seen how this belief can lead to bitterness and resentment. When we focus on what could be rather than appreciating what is, we miss the reality of our relationships. We rewrite the story in our heads, living in a dream version of our partnership while ignoring the signs right in front of us.
The Power of Acceptance
The key to healthy relationships is acceptance—accepting your partner for who they are, warts and all. The truth is, the only person you can change is yourself. Let go of the idea of finding a perfect person (because they don’t exist) and the notion that love is enough to change someone else.
Perfection is an illusion, but that doesn’t mean you should settle for less than a relationship that feels right for you. Imperfect people who complement each other, challenge each other, and support each other’s growth are what create a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.
In my past relationship, I focused on the areas I wanted my partner to change, and all that grew was my bitterness and resentment. But in my current relationship, I’ve learned that focusing on my own growth not only makes me happier but also positively influences my partner. When I showed up as a whole, authentic person, I encouraged my partner to do the same. We’re far from perfect, but we’re perfect for each other because we accept and support each other as we are.
What to Do When Your Partner Won’t Change
If you’ve requested changes or set boundaries and your partner isn’t responding, it’s time to listen to what they’re telling you—through their words and actions. The harsh truth is that people only change when they want to. They have to be motivated to do the work for themselves, and no amount of love or effort on your part can force that shift.
When your partner isn’t willing to change, you have a few choices:
- Stay and accept them as they are: This can be a powerful choice, but it’s not easy. It requires releasing your expectations and finding peace with the reality of your relationship.
- Set new boundaries or change the terms of the relationship: If their behavior is something you can’t tolerate, you can create new boundaries to protect your peace.
- Consider exiting the relationship: If the relationship no longer serves you, it’s okay to walk away. You deserve to be happy, and the only person responsible for your happiness is you.
How You Show Up Changes Everything
When you’re not authentically yourself, you can’t feel truly seen, heard, loved, or accepted. Hiding parts of yourself to avoid disappointment or heartbreak only creates the very pain you’re trying to avoid. In my own journey, I’ve learned that the more authentically I live, the more I attract people who appreciate the real me.
I used to wear masks and tolerate behaviour that crossed my boundaries because I was afraid of conflict. But when I finally took radical responsibility for myself, I realized I was the common denominator in all my problems—and the only one who could save myself. This realization was the catalyst for massive transformation in my life.
Take Radical Responsibility
Here’s your challenge:
Identify one thing you wish you could change about your partner. For example, maybe you wish they were more affectionate.
Now, flip it around: Could you be more affectionate?
Reflect on this. Is this something you could work on within yourself? If yes, you’ve got your homework for the week. If no, dig deeper and consider your choices.
Trying to change your partner is a futile effort, but when you take radical responsibility for yourself, you’ll see massive shifts in your relationships.
In my past marriage, I couldn’t bring myself to be more affectionate because it didn’t feel safe. If you’re in a situation where it doesn’t feel safe to make changes, it’s time to consider your options. You deserve to be in an environment where you can express yourself authentically and feel loved for who you are.
Let’s Keep the Conversation Going
What resonated with you in this post? Have you ever tried to change a partner, or felt the pressure to change for someone else? What’s one small step you can take to focus on your own growth instead? I’d love to hear your thoughts—drop a comment below and let’s keep the conversation going.
Don’t forget to subscribe to Create Your Happy on your favourite podcast player, and grab my book Love, Unstuck for more empowering tools and insights.
Remember, the only person you can change is yourself—and that’s where your power lies. It all starts with you.
I love you! Now let’s go do some epic shit, shall we?
Christy xo
Tune into the full episode here:
Additional Resources for Relationship Building
Ebook “Relationship Cheat Codes: A Guide to Nurturing Love and Connection”: Hack your relationships with these cheat codes to create fulfilling relationships. Get your ebook for free here.
Love Reimagined Mini Course: Redefine your approach to love and relationships from the inside out. Get instant access here.
Find your f*cking ZEN in under 5 minutes! 🧘♀️ Check out these free unique, no-BS meditations that are as fun as they are effective. Tap into your inner calm today!
Authenticity Unleashed Program: This program is perfect for those looking to get better acquainted with their own authentic self, and learn how to set healthy boundaries like a BOSS. Enroll today!
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Listen/ Watch
S3E6 | The Change Mirage: Embracing Authenticity Over Transformation Spotify | Apple | YouTube
