Let’s talk about something that’s often swept under the rug but deserves to be brought into the light: the pressure to perform in the bedroom. Whether it’s saying “yes” when you mean “no,” faking satisfaction, or simply going through the motions, many of us have experienced intimacy that feels more like an obligation than a celebration.
Today, we’re diving into the ways people-pleasing can rob us of our pleasure and how to reclaim our authenticity in our most intimate moments. This isn’t just about sex—it’s about honouring our boundaries, listening to our inner voice, and creating connections that are rooted in mutual respect and joy.
If this topic resonates with you, I invite you to check out the full podcast episode, Breaking Free of Sex-pectations: Reclaiming Pleasure Beyond People Pleasing, where we dive even deeper into this conversation. And don’t forget to follow along for more stories, insights, and inspiration on living, loving, and growing authentically. Together, let’s challenge old myths and embrace a life of love, respect, and fulfillment!
Plus, don’t forget to subscribe to Create Your Happy on your favourite podcast player, and grab your copy of my book Love, Unstuck. It’s filled with tools and strategies to help you transform your relationships from the inside out. Alright, now let’s dive in!
When Sex Feels Like a Chore
When sex feels like another task on your to-do list, it’s a sign that something’s off. This isn’t just about physical exhaustion (which is valid, by the way). It’s about a deeper disconnection from our desires and boundaries. Every begrudging “yes” when we really mean “no” builds a wall between our true selves and the world.
Faking it might seem like the path of least resistance, but it’s a disservice to our authenticity and our right to pleasure. It’s time to dismantle that wall, brick by brick.
The People-Pleasing Trap
People-pleasing doesn’t just affect our day-to-day interactions—it extends into our most personal relationships. When we seek approval or avoid conflict, we distance ourselves from our partners and, more importantly, from ourselves.
Faking satisfaction or agreeing out of obligation serves no one. It distances us from our partners and from our own truth. If you’re just giving in, your partner can sense that. And let’s be honest: that’s not the pleasurable experience anyone is after.
People-pleasing keeps you from experiencing true connection and intimacy because it’s not a space of being authentically you. When you wear masks, hide your needs, and act as the person you think you should be, you’re not creating the opportunity to truly be seen and heard.
The Cost of Ignoring Your Needs
Disappointment, frustration, and resentment are the most common culprits when we people-please.Disappointment that your needs weren’t met. Frustration that you overgave—again. Resentment that you’re not feeling fulfilled.
The truth is, no one else can make you feel happy, sad, or angry. When we expect others to meet our needs and make us happy, we’re placing too big a burden on them—and on ourselves. You are the only one in your meat suit. You’re the only one who truly knows what your needs are. And it’s time to answer that call.
Reclaiming Pleasure: Where to Start
Harmony in intimacy comes from emotional connection—feeling seen and valued beyond just the physical interaction. If sex feels obligatory, it’s often because the emotional threads are fraying. It’s a call to communicate, reconnect, or reevaluate.
Your intuition is your compass. When we ignore our intuition, especially in moments of intimacy, we drift further away from the experiences we truly desire. Giving yourself permission to say no is as crucial as saying yes. Both answers are valid and necessary for living in harmony.
If you’ve lost touch with your intuition or aren’t sure what feels good to you, that’s okay. Many of us have experienced this disconnection for all kinds of reasons. This is an invitation to go inward—on a self-discovery journey, either on your own or with a trusted guide.
Reclaim Your Pleasure
Here’s a simple but powerful exercise to start reclaiming your pleasure:
- Reflect on recent intimate encounters. Ask yourself: Did I feel connected and present, or was I performing out of obligation?
- Journal your feelings. Write down when you feel in tune with your desires and when you don’t. This self-awareness is the first step toward reclaiming your autonomy.
- Communicate with your partner. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, share what you do want. Approach the conversation with curiosity and compassion, not blame.
True intimacy begins within you. It doesn’t mean pushing through discomfort or doing things you don’t like simply because someone else likes them. It’s about honouring your boundaries and expressing your true desires.
The Power of Presence
The more you practice being present in the here and now, the more you’ll be able to be present with your partner in the bedroom. If your mind is busy (like mine), it’s easy to get caught up in mental acrobatics—to-do lists, worries, or past traumas. But intimacy thrives in the present moment.
If you’ve experienced sexual trauma, this journey may feel challenging. Please know that you’re not alone, and seeking support from a professional is a powerful act of self-care. You deserve to feel safe, supported, and understood.
A Celebration of Authenticity
Intimacy is a dance of connection, not a chore of obligation. It’s a space where both partners should feel free to express their desires, fears, and boundaries. Saying no to something that doesn’t feel right is saying yes to yourself and your well-being.
You deserve a life that lights you the fuck up—and that includes your intimate relationships. Each step you take toward understanding and expressing your needs is a celebration of your journey toward a more fulfilling and passionate life.
Let’s Keep the Conversation Going
If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear about it. Drop a comment below and let me know: Where have you felt disconnected from your desires? What’s one small step you can take to honour your needs in your relationships?
You deserve a love and intimacy that celebrates you in all your glory. So, until next time, keep embracing the messy, fucking beautiful journey of life.
I love you! Now let’s go do some epic shit, shall we?
Christy xo
Tune into the full episode here:
Tune into the full episode of Create Your Happy to explore more about breaking free from sex-pectations and reclaiming the joy in your intimate life. Let’s shed these burdens together and rediscover what it means to connect authentically with ourselves and our partners.
Additional Resources
People Pleaser’s Path to Freedom eBook/Masterclass: Escape the yes trap and learn to live freely with this empowering teaching to help you break free from people pleasing. Get instant access here.
Breaking Free from People Pleasing: Empowering Moms to Embrace Authenticity Video: A deep dive into overcoming the people pleaser syndrome with practical tips and real-life applications for moms. Watch here.
Creating Love – A Sweary AF Meditation: Grab this free 5 minute quickie meditation designed to help you to cultivate love with a side of sass.
Authenticity Unleashed Program: Shed societal expectations, ditch people pleasing, uphold boundaries and embrace your true self for healthier, more genuine relationships. Sign up now.
Love Reimagined Program: Explore how to build deep intimacy from the inside out with this online course. Enroll now here.
Unstuck for Women Daily Self Discovery Journal: Begin your journey of self discovery and unlock the doors to personal clarity and authentic living. Get your copy here.
BOOK: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski: Order in Canada – Order in USA
Additional resources and offerings
Other Must-Watch Episodes Related to Today’s Topic:
Season 3 Episode 9 | Breaking Free: How Boundaries Can Transform Your Love and Life
Season 3 Episode 7 | Stop Being a PEOPLE PLEASER Start Being Authentically You (Here’s How)
Season 3 Episode 2 | Love Reimagined: Letting Love Itself Transform You from the Inside Out
Season 1 Episode 1 | Sex, Intimacy, and Spirituality with Kellie Sanetel
Season 1 Episode 20 | Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby! with Tanya Gill
More Great Content
Master Boundaries for Healthier Relationships and Self Growth
Break Free from People Pleasing: Embrace Authenticity
Moms, It’s Time to Stop People Pleasing: Your Guide to Self Care and Authentic Living
Deepen Your Relationship: 3 Essential Tips for a Stronger Bond with Your Partner
Listen/ Watch
S3E18 | Breaking Free of Sex-pectations: Reclaiming Pleasure Beyond People Pleasing
