Ever wonder why you keep falling into the same relationship patterns? Do you feel anxious, distant, or stuck in your partnerships? What if understanding your attachment style could transform your love life from the inside out?
In this post, we’ll be exploring the fascinating world of attachment styles and how they impact our relationships. More importantly, we’ll talk about how you can take radical responsibility for your own growth to create healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Let’s start with the basics: there are really only two overarching categories of attachment—secure and insecure. Secure attachment is the gold standard, while insecure attachment comes in a variety of forms, each with its own coping mechanisms. These styles are shaped by our early experiences, especially with our caregivers, and they deeply influence how we show up in relationships today.
Ready to dive in? Let’s go.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment styles are the ways we learn to connect with others based on our early experiences. They fall into two main categories:
- Secure Attachment:
People with secure attachment had consistent and loving attunement with their caregivers. They can easily trust others, communicate effectively, and are comfortable with both intimacy and independence. This is the ideal we’re all striving for. - Insecure Attachment:
Insecure attachment comes in a variety of forms, each with its own coping mechanisms. These styles are natural responses to childhood experiences where emotional needs weren’t consistently met. They include:- Anxious Attachment:
Anxious individuals worry their partner will lose interest, become distant, or abandon them. They’re hyper-vigilant about rejection and need a lot of reassurance. - Dismissive Avoidant Attachment:
These individuals downplay the importance of intimacy and keep their partners at arm’s length. They’re often emotionally unavailable. - Fearful Avoidant Attachment:
A mix of anxious and avoidant, these individuals have a deep fear of rejection but also crave closeness. This can result in hot-and-cold interactions, which can be confusing for both partners.
- Anxious Attachment:
Do any of these sound familiar? Don’t worry—none of these styles are your fault. They’re natural responses to your early experiences. But here’s the important part: you are responsible for how you show up in your relationships now.
The Relationship Dance
Ever feel like you’re stuck in a relationship dance you can’t control? The way attachment styles interact can feel like a beautiful waltz—or like dancing with a drunk uncle who keeps stepping on your toes.
- Anxious + Secure:
Imagine an anxious person feeling that familiar pit in their stomach when their partner is late. Instead of spiraling, they take a deep breath and voice their feelings: “I’m having some insecurities come up. Can we talk?” If the secure partner listens patiently and provides reassurance, the anxiety melts away. It’s like watching a flower bloom in slow motion. - Anxious + Avoidant:
This is a tornado of neediness meeting a brick wall of emotional unavailability. The anxious person blows up their partner’s phone because they didn’t text back quickly enough, and the avoidant person retreats even further. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves both partners feeling frustrated and disconnected. - Avoidant + Avoidant:
Two avoidant people together? It’s about as warm as the Arctic Circle in January. They’re emotionally distant, neither willing to be the first to open up. Spoiler: it doesn’t last long, and it’s often deeply unsatisfying. - Anxious + Anxious:
Two anxious people constantly seeking reassurance from each other but never feeling secure. It’s like watching a puppy chase its tail—cute for a minute, but exhausting after that. - Secure + Secure:
This is the relationship equivalent of watching professional ballroom dancers. They communicate openly, support one another, and handle conflicts like mature adults. It’s beautiful, healthy, and deeply fulfilling.
Take Radical Responsibility
If you’re thinking, Great, I’m doomed to repeat these patterns forever, hold on—this is where radical responsibility comes in. While we can’t change our past or our partner, we absolutely can change ourselves. In fact, you’re the only one who can change your experience. And that’s where the magic happens. Here’s 3 steps to getting started:
- Awareness:
Start noticing your patterns. Do you freak out when your partner doesn’t text back immediately? Do you push people away when they get too close? These are clues to your attachment style. - Self-Reflection:
Think about your childhood. How were your emotional needs met—or not met? This isn’t about blaming your parents; it’s simply about understanding where your patterns come from. - Make Different Choices:
Pause before responding so you can respond versus react. Communicate your needs clearly instead of expecting your partner to read your mind.
Practical Steps to Start Healing
- Journaling:
Write about your relationship patterns, fears, needs, and desires. Getting these thoughts out of your head and onto paper can be incredibly clarifying. - Self-Compassion:
When you catch yourself in an old pattern, don’t beat yourself up. Acknowledge it, learn from it, and move forward with your new wisdom. - Communicate:
Tell your partner what you need and be honest about your fears. Vulnerability is scary, but it’s how you build real intimacy. - Seek Support:
Work with a therapist, mentor, or coach. Sometimes we need a little extra support, and that’s more than okay.
You Have the Power to Transform
Healing your attachment wounds isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming more aware, compassionate, and authentic in your relationships. It’s about recognizing the wholeness you already have and unlearning what’s not truly you.
You have the power to create secure, fulfilling connections. It starts with you and taking radical responsibility for your own growth.
Break Free and Create Epic Love
I’d love to hear your biggest takeaways and a-ha moments from this post. Please leave a comment or reach out via social media!
If you’re ready to dive deeper into this work, check out the full podcast episode, The Four Attachment Styles in Relationships. It’s packed with even more insights about why attachment style matters.
And if you’re craving more support, grab a copy of my book, Love, Unstuck: Creating Healthy, Happy Relationships through Self-Love, Emotional Intelligence, and Authentic Connection. It’s your roadmap to breaking free from old patterns and creating the love you deserve.
Don’t forget to subscribe to Create Your Happy on your favourite podcast player for more stories, insights, and inspiration to help you live, love, and grow authentically.
Remember, life and love are messy, yet oh-so-beautiful adventures. Embrace the journey, trust yourself, and keep showing up with an open heart.
I love you! Now let’s go do some epic shit, shall we?
Christy xo
Tune into the full episode here:
Additional Resources
Creating Love – A Sweary AF Meditation: Feeling stuck in the same old relationship patterns? Take a 5-minute meditation break to cultivate self-love and release anxious attachment behaviours. Get the free quickie meditation now.
Unstuck for Women Daily Self-Discovery Journal: Dive into uncovering your attachment style through daily journaling. Build the unshakeable confidence and self-love you need to create fulfilling, secure relationships. Order your journal today.
Love Reimagined Course: Ready to rewrite your love story? In my “Love Reimagined” course, explore how to build the secure, connected partnerships you deserve. Register for this transformative program here.
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Listen/ Watch
S3E25 | The Four Attachment Styles in Relationships
