You know that I don’t need anyone mindset that has you juggling all the things—home repairs, finances, scheduling, emotional labor—while silently (or not-so-silently) resenting the fact that no one’s stepping up to help?
In this post, we’re going to talk about why hyper-independence isn’t the badge of honour we’ve been led to believe it is. Spoiler alert: it’s often a trauma response, and it’s wreaking havoc on your relationships. But don’t worry—we’re also going to explore how to shift from I can do it all to I’m open to support, so you can create deeper connections and finally stop burning yourself out.
Ready to unpack this? Let’s go.
The Myth of Hyper-Independence
Hyper-independence often looks like this: you insist on doing everything yourself because you believe if you leave it to someone else, they’ll probably mess it up. Or maybe you just feel like you can’t count on anyone to do what they say they’ll do—or what you want them to do. So, you take matters into your own hands.
Asking for help? No way. You don’t want to rely on others.
But here’s the thing: while this level of independence might seem commendable (hello, superwoman!), it often leads to strained relationships. Partners—or potential partners—end up feeling unnecessary and unvalued. Hyper-independence creates a barrier to intimacy, leaving both parties feeling isolated.
And let’s be clear: this pattern isn’t your fault. It’s a result of conditioning—and often, a trauma response.
The Roots of Hyper-Independence
Historically, women haven’t always had the luxury of independence. In the U.S., it wasn’t until 19 FREAKING 74 that women could open their own bank accounts without a male co-signer. In Canada, it was 1964. This shift in financial independence empowered women to lead single lives or leave unsupportive relationships, fundamentally altering family and societal structures.
But here’s the catch: this newfound independence swung the pendulum all the way to the other side, creating a reactionary response of hyper-independence. Read: “I don’t need no man.”
And while the feminist movement championed women’s rights and opportunities, it also added pressure. Women were told they could have it all—careers, families, personal fulfillment. But this shift happened without a corresponding shift in household labour divisions. The result? Women juggling more responsibilities than ever, often leading to burnout, frustration, and resentment. Ruh-roh.
The Impact on Relationships
When you’re the one doing it all—managing the house, the kids, the cooking, the family schedule, and your career—things get imbalanced. Your partner may not be pulling their weight because, well, you’re already doing it all. This dynamic creates resentment and frustration, leaving both of you feeling disconnected.
Hyper-independence often stems from past trauma—whether it’s inconsistent parenting, previous relationship failures, or even collective trauma from societal expectations. The wound? Relying on others has led to pain, so you’ve created a response to mitigate that pain: I’ll just do it myself.
But here’s the truth: true strength lies in vulnerability.
The Power of Vulnerability and Interdependence
Vulnerability allows us to connect deeply, to share our true selves, and to grow together. It’s about embracing the wholeness of who we are—the good, the bad, the light, the dark. When we do this, we eliminate the illusion of separation—both within ourselves and from others.
So, how do we shift from hyper-independence to interdependence? Here are a few things you can do to start making the shift:
- Ask for Help: I know it’s hard. We worry we’re a burden, that we’re asking too much, or that we don’t deserve others’ time and energy. But here’s the thing: asking for help isn’t just about you. It’s about giving others the gift of supporting and nurturing you. And giving from their own abundance is a gift to them, too.
- Shift from Power Over to Power With: Instead of taking control and doing it all yourself, embrace a power with approach. Come together, rely on the strength of community, and eliminate the illusory hierarchy of humanity.
- Balance Doing and Receiving: We all possess both masculine (doing/giving) and feminine (being/receiving) energies. Finding harmony between the two allows us to be well-rounded, contributing to and receiving from our relationships.
The Beauty of Community
In our modern rush toward self-sufficiency, we’ve overlooked the ancient wisdom that says, It takes a village. Community isn’t just about having people to turn to when things go south—it’s about sharing the highs and lows, enriching everyone involved.
Think about it: communities that come together in times of crisis recover faster and build stronger bonds. These experiences help us not only survive but thrive.
Lean in and Embrace Support
This week, I invite you to shift from an I can handle it all mindset to an I’m open to support mindset. Think about one area of your life where you can ask for help. Reach out. Let someone in.
And if you’re ready to explore this topic further, check out the full podcast episode, Doing It All Yourself? You’re Doing Independence WRONG! It’s packed with even more insights and tools to help you create deeper connections and stop burning yourself out.
If you’re craving more tools to build healthy, happy relationships rooted in self-love, emotional intelligence, and authentic connection, be sure to subscribe to Create Your Happy on your favourite podcast platform and grab a copy of my book, Love, Unstuck: Creating Healthy, Happy Relationships through Self-Love, Emotional Intelligence, and Authentic Connection. Together these resources are your roadmap to breaking free from old patterns, embracing vulnerability, and creating the kind of love that celebrates you in all your messy, beautiful glory. Together, let’s create a life that’s unburdened by the past and full of possibility.
I’d love to hear from you! Share your experiences with asking for help or shifting from hyper-independence to interdependence. Drop a comment, send me a message, or connect with me on social media. Let’s learn and grow together.
I love you! Now let’s go do some epic shit, shall we?
Christy xo
Tune into the full episode here:
Additional Resources
Authenticity Unleashed Program: Struggling with hyper-independence and finding it hard to ask for help? Learn how to set healthy boundaries and embrace your authentic self with this incredible program. Sign up now!
Sweary AF Meditation Series: Need a quick emotional reset? Check out my five-minute sweary meditation series. Perfect for when you need to bring your focus back to the here and now. Access it here.
Additional resources and offerings
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Listen/ Watch
S3E22 | Doing it All Yourself? You’re Doing Independence WRONG!
